july ten twenty-nineteen

        This was me on top of the Gungal Rock at Mt. Ulap. It was so high I remember myself really nervous, and my feet felt like they're freezing due to the height and the fact that for just 10 seconds of being stupid, I might fall for how many meters above sea levels. But I thought that time, if I won't do it this time, when? 

That was weeks ago, and it's exactly what I'm questioning myself right now. If I do not focus on my family right now, when? If I do not do good in my job right now, when? And if I do not care for myself to heal from all the negativities around me, when? I'm writing this because there really are times when I find it hard to focus on my family, care for my job, and care for myself all at the same time. No matter what I do, everything just seems to be out-of-balanced and I always end up blaming myself for not being good enough to be good at everything I do. And if I won't take actions to balance all those, when will I be at peace with my situation?

Yesterday, I had another episode of severe migraine attack. My head felt like exploding, my eyes were throbbing from pain, my stomach felt like bursting, and my whole body felt like hyperventilating due to vomitting from time to time. I was at the office then and I simply couldn't show pain in front of the people I'm working with because they are all under pressure from tons of work. I remember feeling guilty because I was not able to cheer my team up when I noticed them feeling tired and exhausted from hours of working, simply because I myself didn't feel okay. I also remember that I left home the other day noticing my father was rubbing vicks on his forehead, and I felt bad for not taking care of him for I have to leave home to go back to the city. I didn't even remember buying lemons for his lemonade because lemons are real good for adults, and yet I forgot to buy some. And right now, I remember myself yesterday bursting from tears right after I arrived at the condo feeling everything this migraine was causing me, and yet, no one was there to even ask me how I am feeling. I suddenly miss my mom, and my family, and everyone whom I'm expecting to care for me. And then I realized, nobody was there to care for me but myself. 

So, if you will not focus on your mental and physical health, when? Today is the day. You cannot take care of your loved ones and you won't be good at work if you yourself is not healthy. Give yourself a break from every pain you're experiencing. Simplify your life, eat healthy, de-stress every now and then, and do the things you really enjoy doing. You deserve love and care from your loved ones, yes, but what you needed most are from yourself. Love yourself because there is no one better.